A durian, a start, water, cell phones, an ending is what this is not....

I was about to "write" this somewhere else...but the fact that these words keep flowing should make questions like "so where am I going to write it?" becomes simply rhetorical...

I'm taking my time....not to think, but to feel....

That's why if you're thinking what I'm writing about, you'll never understand. Because I'm not writing what I think.

Don't think it, feel it...
and whatever you feel, you understand...


There was hope before you existed....before you were you,
but the thing is, that hope wasn't yours...
but when you finally became you,
you can officially claim it,
you are hope.....
and since then, that is what you'll always be,
even for a while I thought you're no longer,
you're still...

I 'm not gonna think about you anymore,
I feel you, and it calms me down...

There's something that I called a good kind of "lack of words",
because not everything can nor should be explained by words...

I feel you, and it calms me down....
and writing words to explain it will only limit this limitless feeling...

That's why from here to the end of this post is dedicated for you....




































































































.

A very short tribute to something that is not as short as the title of this post...

I, I'm having a great time.
I'm finding new things,
I'm learning as always,
I'm making mistakes that keep me growing.

I'm back, back to a new place to live, a new environment.
I'm new to the environment,
just like how the environment is new to me.

It's the same exciting life, because it's different.
I'm as excited as I was, because I'm still the same, still evolving.
I'm both old and new.

My mind helps me look back sometimes, and ahead most of the times.
My eyes keep me aware of my present.
My heart takes me beyond.

For more than 25 years I managed to create new beginnings in all my middles and ends.
New beginnings keep my excitement.
It offers me unthinkable questions and challenges.
It stretches my imagination and keeps it limitless.
It offers me to add a new "new" in me, so I can put my old "new" in my "old".
It offers me life.
And life makes me both old and new...older and fresher.

This is the longest I haven't write a post in my blog, I'm living in New York now.
I'm not changing, I still have a black coffee around me when I write.
I still put three dots by the end of my posts' title.

I'm still the same...still different....still me.

with smile,
ali

NOT a writing about new year...

I haven't write in this blog for quite a long time. I realize that.
I realize that, because everyday I thought of writing something, and then as usual, time flies.
Without taking a short break...no, time doesn't stop at all, keeps moving forward.

But why does is feel that way?
Time has never been slower nor faster. Its speed doesn't change.
So I asked my self again, why do I sometimes feel that time flies?

I realized this whole thing just this morning when I woke up. I realized something that has been there all my life but I just didn't notice or think about this in that way.

The duration between the time when I actually fell asleep to the time when I woke up was 3 hours, but I didn't feel that 3 hours as 3 hours. It felt like less than a minute, it felt like...time flies.

Again, why? Because within that 3 hours, even though our body was physically there, our mind wander somewhere else. We're too busy doing something (or doing nothing) we forgot where we are and why we are at where we are.

Our mind was definitely somewhere but the present. And I think this is why I sometimes feel this time flies thingy, because even though my body was there in the present, my mind wasn't. Just like sleeping...

Today, December 28th 2008, is exactly 1 year since...well, of course, December 28th 2007. Not a smart thing to write, but nonetheless, it's true...and nobody ever says I have to write something smart. Anyways...

December 28th 2007 was my 21st day since I arrived in Bulgaria.
It was the longly-awaited day.
And, it was, unexpectedly, the last day (until months later) of my passion in doing anything in life, in living.
It was the first day of my life-changing process, another rebirth that I never thought it exists.
It was a year ago and I still have all the details tattooed in my mind.
And now, it's time to say thank you.

I felt this post is more like a personal one, which just need to be written....

with smile,
ali

Bulgaria...

About two months before exactly one year ago I was driving back home. The traffic was horrible that afternoon. It was already 1.5 hours on the road and still quite far from turning off the engine. Somewhere in the middle of traffic jam my phone rang, the caller ID started with +359, Bulgaria. It was a phone interview from Orange BG, the company which I would then be working for.

The next day Ivo called me back and told me that they decided to have me working in the company. And so the visa process started...for two crazy months.

Exactly one year ago, December 6th 2007, I finally arrived in Sofia, Bulgaria, after flying from Jakarta - Hong Kong - London - (and then) Sofia. And so another life story started....for six crazy months.

In AIESEC, there's a very nice writing tradition in every conference that's called sugar cube. usually the organizing committee of the conference will put open envelopes on the wall, each with the name of every single person attending the conference. Everyone can write whatever they want to whoever they want. These envelopes is called sugar cubes.

But there's an unwritten rule about reading your sugar cubes. You can only read it when the conference is over, maybe when you're on your way back, or when you're home already. The idea is to have something nice to read, something to bring you back those nice memories from the conference.

Two days before I finally left Bulgaria there was a joined party from both AIESEC members in Sofia and my coworkers in Orange BG. It was also when the time when the AIESEC members in Sofia changed their executive team. One of the most memorable nights in my life.

But there's another thing that the AIESEC members there did that night. They put a big envelope with my name on it on the door of the refrigerator in the apartment, for people to write whatever they want to write for me, and for me to read when I left Bulgaria, my sugar cube.

I still kept all my sugar cubes since I was a new member in AIESEC. Sometimes when I don't feel really good I randomly take one of those envelopes, and smile when I read them again.

When I finally arrived back in Indonesia, for a reason I don't know my self, I didn't open that big sugar cube from Bulgaria. I thought, "not now..."

Just a few hours ago I finally opened it...

All memories start rushing back , flash back mode is on...

I smiled and I cried reading those letters. I look back and see my life when I was there.

My experience in Bulgaria was a mix of both extreme happiness and sadness, dying and reborn, which made it a landmark in my life's journey.

Friends, that friendships. Nature, being amazed by our mother.

My experience in Bulgaria was a mix of both extremes, which made it one of the most valuable lessons I've learned about life and it's people, about me...and I'm forever grateful for every single organism that's been part of my experience in Bulgaria.



with smile,
ali

Just my feeling right now...

Eddie Vedder - No Ceiling (lyric to the video)



Comes the morning
When I can feel
That there's nothing left to be concealed
Moving on a scene surreal
No, my heart will never
Will never be far from here

Sure as I am breathing
Sure as I'm sad
I'll keep this wisdom in my flesh
I leave here believing more than I had
And there's a reason I'll be
A reason I'll be back

As I walk
The Hemisphere
I Got my wish
To up and disappear

I been wounded
I been healed
Now for landing I been
Landing I been cleared

Sure as I'm leaving
Sure as I'm sad
I'll keep this wisdom
In my flesh

I leave here believing
More than I had
This Love has got
No Ceiling

with smile,
ali

It's your birthday...

You're away from the city, finally.
You come here to be alone and use your birthday as another moment to reflect.
You're sitting one of the rocks on the higher ground around The Domas Crater in Mount Tangkuban Perahu.
You're bare foot, and just took of your clothes, leaving nothing but your boxer.
You leaned your back to the big rock after meditating for maybe 15 or 20 minutes.

You closed your eyes and smelled the fresh air of the mountain mixing the steam coming out from the hot springs everywhere around you, this reminded you of Lónsöræfi.
You heard birds, the water boiling from the hot springs, and the subtle voice of the wind.
You feel the breeze touches each part of your body, slowly, but consistent.
You let your self feel whatever you're feeling.
You opened your eyes, and started writing on a blank page of your book.

Again, you come here to be alone and use your birthday as another moment to reflect. So here's what you think and what (you think) you know. You just turned 25, and:

You just saw two birds flying together.
You have faith and hope in your life.
You are always in a process of discovery.
You just farted a few seconds ago, and then burped.

You are closer to death every second, and to you, this is a motivation, not pessimism.
You are surrounded by other rocks and hot springs around you, which are surrounded by thousands of tall and colorful trees, and behind the trees in front of you is a vast mountainous-shaped tea garden.

You are breathing, and the earth breathes with you.
You smile a lot, and you don't fake it.
You love your family and friends.
You keep faith and prefer to see the good in people.

You know your reason to live and your still fighting for it.
You feel the breeze going in your boxer. You started to laughed when you think of writing it, but you wrote it anyway because it's true and you're not ashamed of writing it.
You can feel the warm sun upon you.
You're alone, but definitely not lonely.

You just farted again, but this time no burping.
You are starting to feel cold, but so does the rock.
You want to be more useful to others.
You have traveled to more than thirty countries.
You just burped.

You wish to be 26 and more, not because you're afraid of death (anymore), but because the dream you have will take time and patient.
You knew, know an want to always remember that time can not be bought.
The sky on your left is dark now, but on your right still bright.
You have people that care for you.

You realized you can't feel your butt anymore, and you're happy.
You have changed drastically over the past 8 years.
You're looking at the view in front of you again.
Nature is beautiful.
You and the rock are becoming one.
You are nature.
You're starting to cry of how peaceful you feel right now...
You realized you are home...
You are grateful for being able to feel grateful...
You can't stop crying...
Right now, you are living the moment.

with smile,
ali

I am a freak of nature, and I hope you'll realize that so are you...because if you don't, you're missing one of the most amazing things in life...

Who are you?
Which are you?

The child?
The friend?
The one who wants to study that language?

The one who walks funny?
The one who talks more than you need?
The forgiving one?

The one who just got the best day ever?
An artist?
The employee in that place?

Are you the one who wants to go to that country?
The shy one?
The one who's still struggling to move on?
An environmentalist?
The one who hates when someone is not on time?

Are you the one who drinks a glass of water every morning?
The one who can never trust anyone?
The one who'd rather shut your mouth?
A loner?

The one who always try to look busy?
The one who went to that beautiful place?
The grand child?

Are you the one always keep a pen in your pocket?
The one who finally realized that you're wrong?
The one who can raise one eyebrow?
The one who cried?

Are you the one defends your self even when you know you're wrong?
The one who likes to sit in a park?
The one who just doesn't care about politics?
The one who's thinking to buy it or not?

Are you also the one who wants other people to be happy?
The one who's crazy about looks?
The one who never know when to stop?
The one who's always unsure?
A good listener?

The one who doesn't drink until you finished eating?
The father or mother?
The one who wants to go home?
The one who thinks why are these things happening to those people?
The one who doesn't realize that you are rude?

Are you the one who loves your job?
The one who's got hurt by someone?
The one who likes to show off?
The one who slept late last night?
A loving person?

Are you the one who's still thinking which one to take?
The one who sings along with the music you're listening?
A religious person?
A musician?
The one who's still afraid to start?
A trusted person?

Are you the one who cares about other people?
The one who's not confident enough about what you're capable of?
The one who's in anger?
The one who fights for what you beliefs?
The one who regret what you said before?
An optimist?

The one who complains a lot?
A fair person?
The one who doesn't like formality?
The one who believes things will get better?
The one who's afraid to ask because you don't want to look like you don't understand?
A loyal person?
A funny person?
A liar?
The one in love?

Are you the one who finds it difficult not to judge someone?
The one who loves children?
The one who hates your job?
A committed person?
The one who feels insecure?
The one who will keep on fighting and will not give up?
The one who didn't see it coming at all?
The one who decided not to do it anymore?
The one who would sacrifice for others?
The one in desperate need for a change?
The one who can write for one minute without looking at the keyboard at all?
A racist?

Are you the one who doesn't think you deserve something like that?
Are you the one who's still afraid to admit it?
A grateful person?
The one who crossed one leg when you sit?
An idealist?
The one who got your second chance?

.....................
.....................


Which one is it should say when I'm asked to describe you?
Any of them incorrect?
Or.....
Am I missing anything?

I saw my own shadows as I walked today,
One on my left, one on my right,
I wonder if they had anything to say about me...
And if they have the option, would they still choose to stay with me?

Hey, what are you thinking right now?
What are you going to do?
Who will you be? Will you be you?
And if you do, who are you?


sincerely,
ali